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These past couple of days, I was in an uncomfortable state. I felt a dark cloud hovering over me. I couldn’t seem to shake it. My body felt like it was racing, but I wasn’t going anywhere. Maybe you could understand. I would wake up with headaches and my body felt sore. (Trust me, I know I need a new mattress, 😆). It just felt like a heavy weight resting on my body. I’ve not experienced a good, peaceful rest, since the year started.
The pressure from work, deadlines, overtime, meetings, and negativity happening in the world. I felt the tension, depression, and stress overwhelmingly. I have had it with everything and wanted to give up. I let the fight drain out of me and I couldn’t feel grace.
Every night, I read devotionals and listen to sermons, but it wasn’t helping. I felt I was stuck in a dark loop. I wasn’t happy, nor at peace. There was void and I couldn’t figure out how to fill it. I lie awake, when a tear fell and I found myself crying out. “What is wrong with me, Father? I can’t find a way out! Father help me!”
I decided to plug in my headphones and listen to a message from Tony Evans “Providence to Purpose”. A snippet of what Tony said, “We always say, the devil is in the details, no God is in the details. When we face opposition or struggle, we quickly push God out of our situations.” But I thought he said, “We quickly kill God out of our situations.” When I heard it from this first impression, it blew my mind. (Although, the former and latter are similar in meaning, but it wasn’t an “ah-ha” moment. I’d call it a God-ha! Moment).
The next morning, I toss and turned for an hour, but couldn’t go back to sleep. I woke up very early, 5am (God-incidence). I went into the kitchen, because I didn’t want to awake my aunt. I prepare breakfast, sat at the table, journal while I continued to listen to the sermon. What a great moment. The more I absorbed the message, the more God was pouring into me. I began to feel my peace being restored. God gave me this time to spend, uninterrupted. This is what was z missing. The intimate time spent with God without distractions.
The previous nights, met with insomnia, hitting the snooze button over and over each morning. I would awake feeling tired, dragging my feet to get dress, skipping breakfast, and rushing to work. Hence, not settling into a calm routine day or night. My body tried to catchup to sleep in day when I needed the most energy. However, last night was different.
I fell asleep listening to the message and God use it to give me rest. Or should I say, as I drew closer to God, God drew closer to me. Practically wrapped me in His arms, reading one of His stories to help me fall asleep. God wrapped me in peace and comfort last night and I couldn’t be more grateful for His love, once again!
God, we can get through this, together. Abba is my sustainable source for peace and calmness. When I don’t create time for God, I’m not creating time for myself. We make everything else a priority, but our mental health. God is the remedy.
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